CLUTTERED BRAIN

There are so many things that are running in my mind now and I honestly don’t know how to entertain each thought that was screaming and dying for attention whereas I want to do is shut down and recharge before I attend to all these.

When I reach 30, there are issues that came, which I would say matured enough to be dealt with and considering the fact that many experiences had passed through leaving me stronger after each triumphant moment that I was able to defeat.

When I was younger, I see life as easy-free-flowing-all-smiles-and-play-kind-of-life. Little did I know, life has much, much more has to offer as you grow older and smarter. You will learn along the way how to face any instance that seems like “end of the world”. I remember that during my final stretch of being late twenties, that’s where most of the hardest things came to test me. Somehow, I view it as final exam to gauge my readiness in the real world. Like, 30 are you kidding me? This is the start of my 30s chapter? C’mon can we make it a little lighter or skip this part for good?

Death and Love are two things that we always fear of encountering.

I've witnessed a love story that they stick to their vows of ‘till death do us part.

Everyday that my Dad was battling with the big C, my Mom never left his side. Every single moment was cherished, full of love and I saw how my Mom devoted her time, energy and love to my Dad. On the other hand, my Dad never failed to show my Mom how lucky he was that he married my mother, how they created a family that they managed to work with together over the years.

Death, it will come like a thief in the night. Never will you expect to happen but be ready if you may.

But regardless what comes in your life, it will come unexpectedly from someone whom you didn't pegged doing it on you. I, myself is guilty of the fact that yes – I feel bad, I feel bad for knowing that a decision has been made on my behalf and yet I was not even made aware of? Why is this all about you? Why do you have to keep yourself secured, guard your feelings without even asking the person involved? You did casting for your own show and when it’s about to start, you realized that you have to outcast the other one and have the spotlight all on you?

Unfair, isn't it? Like, all along I thought we are okay but one day, out of the blue, right on my face you will say that I went over this anguish and it’s your time to suffer what I had, too.

The funny part of it all, the decision is not right. I want to laugh my heart out, like “Hello!?! Is that what you assumed all along?” What disappoints me much is it’s not even on my 2 priorities in life, yet it was concluded as if it is my topmost priority in my life at that very moment.

Sometimes, all we need is to ask and not based it all on our conclusions. I feel betrayed for the fact that I was underestimated of what my capabilities are and the last time I checked, we are friends, right?

It’s sad that I am willing to save whatever is left and I ate my pride and say what I feel. But taking one big leap is enough and I can no longer afford to have one step closer, for all the pain from slashed of words is more than enough to tell myself I deserve to have my side be heard too.