GUARD MY HEART

Have you ever wonder why people were put in your life?  That these extraordinary people will either hurt or leave you and left you hanging for years until you get the answers to your “why” then after you are all back in shape, another round of trials to test if you’re steady with that “shape” you are currently in.

There will be a certain point in your lifetime that you will feel that I’m regressing and you will be in a situation like I-need-to-find-the-answers-to-this kind of condition. Where your ultimate excuse for wanting is that you believe you can remedy the situation that you are currently in.

No one can tell you exactly what your future will looks like. Along the way, bounteous mistakes to keep you stronger will be normal. You will get judgments from people around you.  But that’s reality – we get judged, we heard words we don’t want to hear, know and acceptance of truth is such part of the game that sometimes it’s too much to handle and we all end up tired and bruised.

I am a Christian, but the question I asked myself “Am I living the life God wants me to live?” I guess not. No one is perfect and if there is someone out there that doesn’t have a single mistake done in his life, then I would want to meet you so we can talk. Give me the secrets how to achieve that and I’ll definitely share it with everyone else I know. But then again, we are human and we are prone to committing mistakes.

For the past month, I was so stupid to let such stupidity get into me. At my age, I definitely know what is right from wrong, but then again I let myself to do what is not right. Maybe I was under the impression that this is happiness even knowing that “happiness”  is ain’t real after all.

Can I share something? It’s no wonder that I like Lindsay Lohan that much. I have collected her DVDs/VCDs and almost done in getting copies of all her movies; magazines, CDs, even my playlist which I named “My OST” mostly consist of her songs. Though I haven’t met her yet, still I like her. I even want to be friends with her despite what others think of her, I don’t care.

Actually, my life is pretty much like her except that I don’t have a rehab stint and I didn’t crashed an MB  (Mercedes Benz) yet. I can be mean at times which of course triggered by people who actually pissed me big time that my patience meter depleted to zero instantly.

Why am I saying all these? Despite me not knowing her personally, I want to be friends with her and I like her a lot. I didn’t judge her based on her actions but stick to the fact that she has a good heart. Maybe she was able to do those things because of something that she is currently going through. We never can tell. Same thing, I knew that I was judge-worthy now and yet my friends didn’t do it. Someday, I will be able to tell what the story was, but for now I’m glad that He helped me get back on track after this downtime in my Christian life. He sent His message through people I call Friends/Sisters. My friends didn’t judge me, and my fear of getting catty comments didn’t come to life. Notwithstanding of the fact that I am a Single for Christ, but am I really living the life of a Christian with my actions, bet not.

This is my karma, but what did I do to reap such thing? Never in an instance had I played with someone’s feelings or make fun of someone so me and my friends will have something to laugh about during lunch breaks? I’d always been clear with my life and I say what is on my mind. So there is no way – never that I may have hurt someone unintentional, and I think this is not karma at all.

If there is one person who always see me in a perfect shape even though I’m having a sh*tty life, it’s my best friend. He’s this one person who can always make me smile if I’m close to having an Ogre’s eyes because of too much crying. If I tell him how b*tch I was, he will always tell me “Don’t say that, you’re not and never will be. Not even close” someone who always takes my side, someone who will tell me “I trust you a lot and I know you can get through this”. A good friend that always finds my strength in every weakness; he finds me beautiful in my ugliest form; someone who finds me smart despite the wrong decisions. But I’m not smart; I’m not intelligent because I allowed these things to happen knowing in the first place that they are wrong. I let my dumba*ss side decides for everything.

I remembered what the pastor said last week “God values our faith even if it’s as small as a mustard seed” and I can attest to that. He made me realize how His merciful love can save us. Many times he granted my urgent prayer requests. He somehow spoiled me with all these love and blessings and yet I failed Him. With this lesson I got from this test of faith, now I know that He is indeed preparing me for the right one; someone where we will make GOD the center of our relationship.

I think I will make my best friend top the second spot because I know God sees me perfectly despite my imperfections. He loves me unconditionally without any hesitation; He cares for me like a princess. Above all these, He blesses me with lots of friends that I can always run to and be reminded that He is with me through these people whom I call brothers and sisters. A Father that holds the hand of her daughter to keep on walking with Him even I’m just taking baby step by baby step at the moment. With His patience, I know in His right time, everything will unfold as to why do I have to say “Guard my Heart” for now.