SHEEEESH

SILENCE SPEAKS WHEN WORDS CAN'T

Everybody needs space sometimes and people need to respect that, or else temporary request could be permanent.

I will never be exempted from the trials of Christian life. In fact, I have plans of taking a break so I can recharge. But whenever I try it, that’s when my friends will come to me and ask me for an advice, again I’m no expert but very much appreciated that you entrust me your problems that by the end of the tête-à-tête you will get something encouraging from me. Thank you and somehow you help me fulfill my duty as a Christian.

But what it is really like to live like a Christian? I don’t have an idea and up until this moment, the quest for discovery is still happening. How far I have gone is not measurable or at least quantifiable. Emotionally bruised and battered from the aftermath of yesterday’s nightmares and yet still befalling when given a chance. People get tired, people need to take a break and somehow regress (in a nice way perhaps) and still let the air pass through our bodies reminding us that we are still alive and getting exhausted is acceptable. For weeks now, there are episodes of worn-out emotions, weight loss and under eye circle. Signs of dehydration that actually speaks directly to me saying “Yes you are dehydrated and consistently contributing to killing yourself slowly and you are unaware because you chose that to happen”

Muddle mind in the sense that I opted not to talk to anyone from the community I was serving. Judge me now and I fully understand your thinking. Not that I’m keeping an image of “I can do all by myself” which the thought of it is very intolerable to take in the first place. Maybe, just maybe that if I will let my leader know, the initial reaction will be a resounding “Why?” followed by “What happen to you?” I know, I know and the ghost of that scenario gives me shivers. At this point of my life, I’m shutting down temporarily the sliver of light that still passes through my system.

Practicing the art of tight-lipped to your friends is heart-breaking. Fighting the urge to reply on their numerous messages and completely avoiding them is the hardest task I could ever think of. First, it’s not my nature to keep mum to people especially I check up on my friends most of the time. Sending morning texts or probably asking them how their day was. Second, it hurts me knowing that I’m giving the notion to my friends that I don’t appreciate their concern which totally not true.

Admittedly, I uninstall WeChat, hide my account in Twitter and I’m not opening my Facebook for the meantime. Every time I get a text, I wanted to ignore it. I will end up telling lies if I will try to answer it by reasoning out. If we don’t have anything nice to say, let’s just keep our mouth shut which I’m doing now. However, I’m also giving an impression which they can take the other way around.

I just hope and pray that I will be able to come up with a decision soon for I cannot entertain the fact that they might be at my doorstep after months of being invisible and quiet which I’m certain this won’t happen.